Just stand and breathe

1996, the year Prodigy's "Breathe" was the hottest dance track around. Why am I remembering that song? Well it all began this morning on the train to work...

I'll set the scene...

It's a dark and cold winter's morning. The sky carries the threat of more thunderstorms and rain as I huddle under the train shelter waiting for my daily direct train to the city. It arrives late, as usual.

There is a mad rush as everyone tries to get on at the same time. It's a non-stop train and all the passengers seem to have recently developed arthritis of the knee, such is their reluctance to stand. Chivalry died a quick death here, a long time ago.

An old man is beating a pregnant woman for a seat while a child is thrown out of a window to make room for a man in a suit. Two students have their switchblades out to fend off any interest in their seats.

OK, you got me. The last paragraph is pure fiction... but how long before it becomes fact? I gave up my seat to a woman on the train a couple of weeks ago and instead of thanking me, she gave me a "are-you-freaking-crazy?" look. FFS, am i supposed to feel bad about having some manners and being considerate?

Anyway, back to the story. I manage to find a seat next to a PDA wielding business type. Thanking the heavens for my good fortune, I put on my headphones for the hour-long ride to work. All is right with the world (except for the train running late)... or is it?

What is that f**king smell??

It smells like a wet, rotting corpse microwaved on High for 3 minutes. It's unbearable!

They say a bad smell usually accompanies a bad spirit but this stench would mean Beelzebub himself was out and about.

And then it hit me. The PDA wielding business type next to me was breathing on me. How can someone's breath smell so damn bad so early in the morning? I mean you get up and brush right? Maybe not.

A few thoughts, which I am tempted to say out loud, run through my head:
"WTF? You can afford a PDA but not a brush?"
"Dude, what was for breakfast...sh*t?"
"Here's some mint... you should see a vet about that dead dog stuck in your throat."

But I choked back my desire to say something. I could not bear the thought of him actually facing me and saying something in response.

So I endured what would be my worst train trip in 6 years. A crowded train, no open windows and me sitting next to someone afflicted with the worst case of halitosis ever smelt. It's official, fresh breath mint advertising has failed.

I hope tomorrow's train is crowded. I don't want a seat. I'd rather stand... and breathe.

The Psynic